We got a long way to go, and a short time to get there...

We leave tonight from ORD-DFW to spend the weekend with friends and loved ones. Tomorrow my sisters are throwing a baby shower for us. I almost wish we'd done it under an assumed name as Patrick's psycho ex-girlfriend (who has been e-mailing and calling him for the better part of a year - with him repeatedly telling her that he didn't want anything to do with her and STOP CONTACTING HIM) found the registry and sent a long hateful e-mail after she apparently spent the afternoon trolling for it.

Her email said (comments from me sprinkled throughout in bold brackets)

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Looked at your Target registry--[don't know how she found it - aside from her continuing pyschotic obsession with him, and her trolling through our flickr pictures. My guess is she spent hours looking through every possible online baby registry site, which is so utterly pathetic.] would have liked to have given you a gift. I do believe this is the first baby registry I have ever seen with the nursing paraphenalia on it--breast pads and the like. Normally that stuff doesn't make the cut as it is so affordable and well people get sort of squeamish thinking about it. Breast feeding is a beautiful, natural thing but people get uncomfortable considering the specifics. [Well, I'll be feeding my son this way (assuming it works for us, it may not) - and actually, some of the nursing things were the first things to be purchased off the registry. Just by putting them on the list doesn't mean that I expect them - it was merely something I'd like to receive. And I think it's important to register for things of varying prices to be able to let each person make a selection that they're comfortable with.] I mean who wants to attend a baby shower where people are oohing and ahhing over adorable onesies and be the one whose gift is breast shields!?! At that point you might as well add the menstral [For someone who was an English major and prides herself on her extensive vocabulary, it's a shame her grammar and spelling are so abhorrent] pads April will have to wear post-birth. Some gifts just aren't sexy. [Hmmm, yes. A picture of you, for instance]

I have decided though to get you a gift that isn't on your registry. [Granted, she doesn't know where we live, so I doubt that this is possible - as we've been very carefully hiding our address from her in fear she'll show up a la SWF.] I'm going to get you a nice copy of Huckleberry Finn. [And if she did manage to find our address and send a gift (doubtful how she'd manage to afford that considering she doesn't work, unless she's mooching off her new beau the way she did Patrick, and pretty much every guy she dated before him) I would send it back. Possibly charred and shredded in tiny little pieces.] It is obviously way too old for an infant but I think it is nice to have books in the nursery. I grew up with shelves upon shelves of books. When i was old enough my parents read them to me and later I read them myself. I will most likely get an abridged version of Huck Finn something that your son won't have to wait till middle school to enjoy.

Julian is a hilarious name--LOVE IT! But, you aren't guaranteed to have a gay boy! [What kind of person picks on a child that isn't even born yet?] What if he is a guys guy and is saddled with the name Julian!?! Or worse he is a wimpy guy who doesn't have the confidence to carry it off. Spending time on the playground surviving taunts of "Julie". But, there is a dearth of compelling boys names. The ones that are at all decent have been overused to the point of being boring. The ones that are at all interesting tend to come off as effete like "Julian". I know when i thought i was having a boy I was stumped--every name I liked seemed vaguely British (or downright British) and I couldn't in good conscience saddle my son with a name like Conrad, Basil or Lytton. [And she's making fun of Julian as a choice?] Alex and I have decided if we have a son we are going to name him William. Of course that name is fraught as well--he'll most likely break my heart and call himself 'Bill".

Hopefully the solution will be I have a girl. Alex and I have decided that we only want one child--I will be 37 at the earliest [Never too late to get psychological help!] and Alex [this poor schmuck - he has no idea what a rabid psycho he has for a girlfriend. I suppose when a year passes, and the depth of her depravity finally is evident perhaps he'll wise up enough to leave her. As an aside, I know who he is - and where he works, and have been SORELY tempted to forward her e-mails to him to ask him to make her stop contacting Patrick, as everytime he blocks her, she e-mails again from another account.] 43 when we have our first child so having a second one just won't be possible. Well, physically it could happen but we don't want to be such aged parents (we'll be old enough as it is!). I absolutely do not want to become pregnant until aftert he wedding (although i am now ovulating!). [Oh MY GAWD - inappropriate, much?] I am too traditional. Not only are Alex and I still trying to sort out our own relationship but I know kids do the math and I absolutely want my child to know they weren't an "accident" that they were a decision. [Our child wasn't an accident. We knew, and hoped, there was a possibility (though slim) we could conceive naturally. And our son will be adored and loved.] Childhood is scary enough--I want to provide a real sense of security at home. That isn't a slam on you. I am sure your child will feel loved. I just couldn't go the route you've chosen. I want it to be abundantly clear that if I were to be a mother I'd want to do it properly. [Then for god sakes, please, do not have children. The thought of you as a mother makes me vomit in my mouth. The therapy bills that poor child would have as an adult.]

Also please don't think i am making fun of the name Julian. I do like it and I do admire your courage. it is a bold, fabulous choice.

You and April seem to be about going against the grain and I do in a way admire that sans snarkiness. You guys are who you are and that is a wonderful thing to pass along to your child. So don't fret about the name Julian, or the pregnancy before the wedding or the breast shields. Just keep being comfortable in your own skin. That is by far the most important gift to pass along to Julian. I am unabashedly jealous--I wish i could be as over-the-top. [I just wish you could be normal and MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE and quit obsessing over someone who wants nothing to do with you.] Again I don't mean that snarkily. I know that sometimes I am hemmed in by being conventional. Am always too worried about other people's opinions and that can be paralyzing. You and April seem genuinely happy [the only reason she can make this (while admittedly, true) assumption is that she stalks us via flickr] and maybe would be less so if you fretted about the stuff i fret about.

Oh, and when I register for gifts please check out my list and have it be open season--mock me for my choices. It is exactly what I would deserve!!!!

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I wish I could go into the backstory of this woman, and how utterly insane she truly is, but there's simply not enough time to do so today (or for the foreseeable future). Nonetheless, Patrick sent her another email that again reiterated that he did not want contact with her, that she needs to move on. We're talking to an attorney about what we need to do to get a restraining order against her por threaten other legal action. That e-mail was just one of three yesterday.

I just needed to vent about it.

And apologies for the randomness of the title. How Smoky and the Bandit got into my head, I have no clue.