Wednesday, January 2, 2008

No one likes it...

Over the holiday break, when visiting with my dad's family my sister said that everyone had decided that they were going to call the baby "J.R." I bristled, and said "his name will be Julian, not J.R." My stepmother chimed in and said "well, it's not a very 'Texan' name." My sister retorted "well, everyone in the family has been talking about it and no one likes it." That stung. Badly. Granted, my sister is only 17 - but she should have more tact than that. And I think what upset me the most was that I believed her that everyone had been talking about it behind my back and had passed judgment on our choice.

Tears started welling up in my eyes and I angrily blurted out "well, Patrick and I do, and that's all that matters."

My son will not be named Cody or Hunter or Trayson or any of the names of my sisters friends children (and no offense to you if your son or someone you love is named any of those names. They're all lovely - but they're not our style and not what we've picked).

Now, my sisters have somewhat unusual names. I don't think Julian is a particularly odd choice. A little uncommon but not anything that is outlandish. They intimated that it was too feminine sounding... too "girly."

Add to that at Christmas my sister's close friend who has two little girls under two have taken to calling my parents grandma and grandpa. She's a sweet girl, and has been around the family a lot - but um, those children are not my parents grandchildren. They're family friends. It's different. I said something about how exciting it will be next year to have the first grandbaby in the family and my stepmother chimed in - and said - oh the first grandson at least. We already have the other two...

Perhaps it's just pregnancy hormones that have me all riled up. Perhaps I should just suck it up, but it's been over a week later and I'm still reeling from the comments. Am I out of line being hurt by this? Please be honest with me. For those of you with children - did you ever deal with family members who blurted out such hurtful comments?

12 comments:

Jenn said...

I don't think you're out of line at all. And Julian sounds like a lovely name. Picking names was so hard. Everytime I'd find one I'd like someone would hate it. Eventually I realized I shouldn't listen to anyone else anyway.

daysgoby said...

No, not out of line, just a little (but understandably!)sensitive...


My SIL followed our announcement of Rosey with 'I'll call her Rose.'

Um, no. Her name will be Rosey or Rosemary. There's a whole story behind that, but it really boils down to THIS IS WHAT WE WANT.

As far as your seventeen year old sister and her comments, t'cha. It's highly possible that Julian isn't cool for someone her age. THAT probably couldn't happen unless you named him Primus Kool Dude X or something of that sort.

Of course Julian isn't a Texan name. But then neither are you anymore, are you?

Giant roll of eyes.

My mother pulled the 'grandchildren' schtick with me when I was pregnant with Cass. See, Cass was the first grandkid on both sides. We thought. My grandparents (including the original Rosemary) were very surprised to find out that suddenly my mother considered them to be kin to her new step-children, whom they'd never met.

But whatever. Wait until he's here, and they'll all fall in love with his wonderful little face and never a comment like that will be heard again.

DD said...

No matter what name you would have picked, "Texan" or no, family and friends will usually NOT like it when you tell them ahead of time.

We really liked the name "Bess" for a girl before XBoy turned out to be a boy. When we suggested it, my SIL said that sounds like a cow's name. It ruined it for me and I despised her for it. It's bad enough that she started calling XBoy, Maxy...

When my friend had her babies, she told me the names upfront (Boston and Nixon). Not necessarily popular choices but the names fit those boys now like nothing else would.

Do not doubt what's in your heart for your son's name.

As for the "grandchildren" crap: don't worry too much about that. Julian will truly be the first grandchild and once he's here, it'll be quite evident to everyone. Let the girls have that little bit of familiarship. I grew up without grandparents and some elderly friends of my parents allowed us to call them that and it meant a lot to us.

A said...

@ Jenn, it really is. Julian is the only boy name that we were able to agree on at all. Too many of them held negative connotations for one of us so were eliminated.

@ Daysgoby - sigh... that was my reaction. THIS is the name we picked, not his initials, not some nickname. I don't understand my stepmom's "Texan" comment at all!

@ DD - Thank you for the gentle caution to keep me grounded. I am afraid I'm being selfish with that aspect of this. She has parents that dote on her children, she's just always at my parents house. I'm honestly just afraid that living half a continent away that he'll be an afterthought to my dad & stepmom the way that I've often felt I was to them. I know that's my insecurity getting in the way, and I'm trying to keep it in check. Thank you for the gracious reminder that there's nothing wrong with letting them love the girls too.

Melanie said...

You are definitely not out of line. Julian is the name you have chosen for your child, and that's that. D and I chose not to tell anyone our final name choices for fear of criticism. Our families are very judgy, and most of them do not have internal censors. I don't think I could have taken any critique or comment about our kiddos names... Heck, I was in the OR having my c-section and the nurse asked what the kids names were. I even told her we weren't sure yet!

Nico said...

I think Julian is a wonderful name. We also stopped running names my my in-laws because of their reactions.

Jay said...

We didn't tell anyone what we were naming our boy simply because we weren't sure the name would fit when he was born. We weren't going to name him Alexander if he showed up and we thought "Boy, he doesn't look like an Alexander".

Silly, but true.

Ms. Pants said...

Everyone will give you their unwanted opinion on the name. It's human nature to be assholey when it comes to names. "Oh, you're naming her Heather? Every Heather I've ever met is such a bitch!" ....Yeah, thanks, assface.

Julian isn't on the top of the "common names" these days. It's not Hunter, Taylor, Connor, or any of the other -e/ors, it doesn't sound like a profession, and you're not spelling it with nine unnecessary consonants and an apostrophe. That's going to bring out the jackassery of a lot of people, fluffy-bunny weirdos and younger kiddos (including your sister) who want to name their kids things like D'mmenteeya Klamid'de'eya Orchki'd. (I was one of those assholes when I was 12.)

I like the name Julian. I know a lot of people might not. But hey, it's a J name and I have a thing for those. And even if you wanted to name him Ramalamadingdong, I'd support you. (Though I might try to talk you out of that particular one.)

So with your family, you can go one of two ways. You can say, "I don't give a fuck if you don't like the name. I do and it's my kid. Anything you send over for J.R. will be returned, as it's not his name" and follow through. Or you can tell them that you'll consider some of their names as well but must see the actual child before settling on a name. And then name him Julian anyway.

As for the grandchildren thing, I understand the sensitivity. Also, in what I know about your family, it doesn't surprise me. Brush it off. P's family will ooh and ahh all over Julian like good grandparents should. And then there's all of us surrogate aunties out here.... :-)

orodemniades said...

Not many people like the kid's name, either. But they're going to get used it whether they like it or not!

Me, I really like Julian, so poo on those who don't.

Scoutj said...

You KNOW what I will say right?

Fuck that noise!

That is all.

Flicka said...

I don't think it's out of line to feel incredibly hurt about the whole "first grandchild" thing. I mean, really. But I really do think that will change once the baby comes along and it's apparent that he is flesh-and-blood theirs. I love my best friend's children like nephews and thought I would love them equally as much as my nephews when they came along. It's not true; I love my brother's children in a way that's indefinable. I think that will sort itself but I also think you wouldn't be out of line if you mentioned how much that comment hurt you.

FWIW, I think Julian is a fine name. I like it. It's not Texan, true. But it fits you and Patrick. And you're right; that's all that matters. The immature part of me wants to add: And they can go humph themselves!

MsPrufrock said...

I'm a bit late to this argument thanks to the no internet thing. Anyway we kept P's name a secret until she was born. Though most seemed to like her first name, oh, the hell that was unleashed when we told them her middle name - Elliot. Both sides of the family kept saying things like, "I like her first name a lot, but Elliot is a boy's name! Why did you give her a boy's name?? She's not a boy!"

I think it's definitely out of place for anyone to criticise your name choice if you haven't asked them to weigh in on the decision. As the others have said, Julian is YOUR son's name, it's got nothing to do with them and they have been rude to think it does.

My Mom actually said to me a few months ago, "I didn't mind that you gave her the middle name Elliot." Que? Gee, thanks Mom for not "minding" what I call the product of my own loins. Cheers.