Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Mayday Mayday Mayday

I thought I'd have something fabulously thought provoking and profound to write about today... the eve of the culmination of all these years of longing to hold my child in my arms.

Instead? I've been pacing the floors trying to quell the rising tide of bile in my throat.

I go in tomorrow morning at 6:30 a.m. to be induced. Simply put, I'm on maternity leave now from work and I feel like I'm wasting it by not spending it with my son (who um, hasn't been born yet). That - and given the frightening predictions about his weight, the doctor agreed that induction seemed to be a reasonable idea. I wanted to wait it out and go into labor naturally - and since I've been having contractions since well, DECEMBER, one would think that my body would know what to do by now. Instead? No. I had strong contractions yesterday for about five hours, and they got as close as five minutes apart before just petering out into nothingness.

My parents are coming to visit us for the first time ever - and they arrive at the airport Saturday at noon. Mind you, we never technically unpacked all the way when we moved in uh, last November. Pesky bedrest and all that.


I'm trying to conquer the house in a whirlwind of activity today, largely because, well, it's making the time go by faster. I don't know how I'll manage to sleep though.

The honest truth is I'm frightened. Horribly so. I mastered "pregnancy", and feel completely comfortable with that aspect of the journey. However, that bit of knowledge is rapidly becoming obsolescent. Tomorrow (hopefully) I will be a mother. I don't know the first thing about babies, and how to care for one - especially a son. Dear God, what have I gotten into? All I can hope for is an easy and safe delivery. I'll even trade the easy part for a healthy baby.

Tomorrow - hopefully, I'll hold him in my arms.

I've never been so afraid or so excited in my entire life.

9 comments:

Helen said...

The best and stupidest advice is this:

You'll just know.

Because you will, April. You'll just know.

I'm so excited (and envious!) for you. It's the first step - and such an exciting one - at the most brilliant fun ever.

DD said...

I would guess that he's not going to be as big as they predicted. Not that that makes the fear go away. It took us years to go, "Hey, look at that! We're parenting!" This child will bring out the best in you, April.

Vacant Uterus said...

You're going to be okay. You will. Deep breaths. You have every right to be frightened BUT! You will be better than okay; you will be great.

Good luck tomorrow. I'll be holding you in my thoughts.

Scoutj said...

Aw. I have SO been there. I was induced with both kids. The whole thing seems so unreal when you get to this point. Before you know it he will be playing video games and yelling out, "Mommy! This game is SO FREAKING AWESOME!"

(Supergirl a few days ago)

You guys had better have me on the list to contact!!

Jenn said...

Good luck tomorrow.

And, yeah, you'll just know. Or you won't, but you'll improvise and it will work out anyway.

Suzie said...

I normally lurk but felt I had to delurk and say you'll be fine because it's so obvious now much you love J already!

I will be thinking of you today and looking forward to hearing he has arrived safely and mother and son are doing well.

dee said...

Completely normal to feel that way :-)

And also completely normal to know that you'll find your way as his mom. Like Helen said, "You'll just know."

Best of luck today--for all I know, he could be here by now!

Thinking of you two, soon to be three.

MsPrufrock said...

Oddly, J will be here by now, which is just weird. Weird, but friggin' exciting!!

I can't wait to hear all about it, which I trust we will. As the others say, you'll be just fine. It's such a cliche, but the innate instinct is there. You'll be brilliant.

orodemniades said...

we want news!!!