The things they don't tell you...

As of today, I'm officially 33 weeks pregnant according to the 5/5/08 due date. I had an ultrasound last week to check on J's growth, the perinatologist said that he's conservatively estimated to weigh 5 lbs. 11 oz. He's supposed to be about 3 lbs. 12 oz, which is exactly what he weighed a month ago. He's apparently over the 95th percentile for size, and the doctor said he's essentially just "linebacker" material. The doctor said that they're contemplating making me retake the 3 hour glucose test.

Add to that the excess amniotic fluid, and I'm measuring a full month ahead (which is why my contractions have been so bad - my body thinks I'm near term when I really have about 7 weeks to go). He's healthy though, and that's all that matters to me. I shuddered when the doctor told me that first babies are usually late, and usually the smallest. Hopefully that won't be the case for me.

During the ultrasound, he was practicing his breathing, and I sat mesmerized watching his diaphragm move rhythmically. To say that I'm already madly in love with him would be a vast understatement.

However, I am quickly growing tired of being pregnant.

There are things about the last parts of pregnancy that no one really talks about - that I feel obligated to dish on, even at the risk of embarrassing myself.

1. You will leak, a variety of bodily fluids.

My breasts have been leaking colostrum since around the 15th week or so, but now - sexual arousal or a hot shower is almost a guaranteed gush (at least from the right side). Another thing, dried colostrum is sticky. Very sticky. I find that I'm peeling my nipples from the inside of my bras more often than I'd like to admit. Very sexy, no?

"Urine for a big surprise" - I prided myself for years on the fact that I was potty-trained at about 18 months. I've done more kegels than I thought humanly possible. And yet, if I cough too hard or sneeze, or laugh too heartily there's a very real danger of what is pleasantly called "stress incontinence" but in reality is just you pissing your pants. The only thing I can say is go when the urge strikes (which is about every 45 minutes now as the baby is using my bladder as a trampoline).

Other "unmentionable" leaking. I never had the prolific vaginal discharge that was described in the pregnancy books as common in the first two trimesters. If anything, my delicate lady bits were so dry that they were practically sub-saharan. Now, though - my god. It's apparently monsoon season between my thighs.

2. You will snore. A lot. I'm now wearing breathe-right strips every single night, sometimes two at a time (and regardless of the fact that I'm allergic to the adhesive they're coated with). If I don't wear them, Patrick can't sleep because I can now apparently out-snore lumberjacks.

3. Everyone will tell you that you should catch up on a lot of sleep now before the baby comes, but the cruel irony is that YOU CANNOT SLEEP. I sleep in 45 minute increments - tops before waking up due to night sweats, having to pee (again), or crazy psychotic dreams resulting from pregnancy hormones. And then there's just the uncomfortableness of the extra weight in your abdomen that makes it impossible to get comfortable. Oh. and maybe I'm just a lucky one, but my babe apparently thinks 2-5:30 a.m. is time to slam dance inside. Every. Single. Night. I wake up every morning exhausted.

4. More bathroom TMI. I've spent my life perpetually constipated, even going as long as 18 days before I actually broke down and had to go. There. I said it. I hate pooping. Pregnancy, however, seems to have reversed this trend for me. In the last week, I've actually gone up to six times a day. I'm really ready for this to be over.

5. There will come a point, more quickly than you'll imagine, where your maternity shirts no longer cover the bottom of your belly. All the cute little tops you thought you'd never fill out will now seemingly be made for a waif. A waif who is not pregnant and does not have boobs.
6. Speaking of boobs, your boobs will continue to grow. I was told that most large breasted women didn't grow much. Whoever told me this is a liar. I was a large size D when I started this pregnancy business. I'm now spilling out of a DD - and am shuddering thinking about how huge they're going to be once my milk comes in.

7. You will justify the most random and extravagant expenses (especially if this is your first child). We finally broke down and bought our stroller (a Mutsy Urban Rider) and car seat (Maxi-Cosi). Mind you, when we first started looking, we were appalled at the cost of the $200 Graco 'travel system' which had both. I'm actually hoping we have another one so we can reuse the stroller.

I only need 22 more days before J comes in order to qualify for the extra month of maternity benefits. I just got a pretty hefty raise that's retroactive to January 1st, so my leave benefits will be a lot more lucrative. I'd still like that extra paid month and the unpaid time. I've been crampy and contracting all morning, but that's not really anything new. Still. Patrick's petrified that I'm going to go into labor this week for some reason. I hope not.

Work has been insanely busy this last week, so I've barely had time to breathe - let alone enjoy working from home. I'm ready to actually be on leave.

Oh. and I just ordered a kit from Mama's Belly after talking to Maggie,the artist. She's letting us pay the item out, and I'm delighted, as I couldn't justify spending all of it right now before he's born.