Monday, March 3, 2008

Afro to fumanchu

I have a confession to make, and this is a post all about pubic hair.

It's been about 2 months since I could comfortably see the "area" or - as one of my coworkers felt the need to share with me - my "lady garden." Thus, let's say that well - the garden was a bit unkempt. When I was in seventh grade, we watched the Nova Miracle of Life movie in my science class - and when the birth scene started some guy in the back row shouted out "OH MY GOD, WHAT A HUGE BUSH!" leaving Coach Hall (why in Texas are middle school science teachers always coaches?) so startled that he fell off the counter he was sitting on in the back of the class. Anyway, I could've done a stand in for this woman's 70s porno bush.

Before I met Patrick, I tended to keep things very, very short on top, and shaved everywhere else. My ex preferred the entire thing to be waxed/shaved bare but it was well, itchy and honestly I felt a little creepy being completely bare. The pre-pubescent look just wasn't for me and at least a little bit of hair seemed to provide some protection against chafing. And let's face it. Lady bits? Do not like to be chafed.

Anyway, Patrick was much more supportive of the "natural but contained" look, and as I'd never really experienced it before - I have to admit, it was sort of liberating. Just mind the bikini line and trim things up a bit, but leave the natural triangle shape.

However, now that I'm so hugely pregnant, I can't really tidy things up so well. So laziness set in and I've just sort of let it all go to hell in a handbasket. The doctor said that I could start swimming some, as it would relieve the pressure of carrying around the extra weight on my back and wouldn't likely aggravate the contractions like walking does. Our gym has a warm therapy pool that sounded heavenly so I found a maternity swimsuit and though I was in business.

Then I realized I may not be able to see the pelt that is quickly growing over the region, but other people would be, aside from the fact that it was so uh, fluffy that it would give me a fake penis look. So, this morning I decided to grab Patrick's beard trimmer and give it a quick once over.

I've been up since 4 a.m. working on finishing something up for work, so I have to admit I wasn't clearly thinking. I forgot to put a guard on the shaver. And, my arms are apparently not long enough to really reach all of the important bits, so I've mangled things a bit. Quite literally, I'm afraid as apparently if you nick your nether regions with those, it leads to a lot of blood.

So I now have ... what can only be described as a cross between a reversed landing strip and a fumanchu. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to fix this before he gets home because if he sees it, I'm afraid he'll die laughing before he's able to fix it for me.

On a completely unrelated note, we were extremely ridiculous this weekend and bought ourselves a new bed. We both came into our relationship with beds that had been shared with exes, and it really, really bothered me. We compromised a bit, and slept in my bed frame and his mattress, but it irked me. Since I don't sleep at night, these are the kind of things I worry about. Anyway... we went to the Macy's Furniture Outlet and bought a bed that is so incredibly beautiful I may marry it. Of course, I'll have to - as it's a Barbara Barry and there's no way we'll ever get rid of it because of the cost. We also managed an amazing deal on a mattress set that was originally $2800 that we got for $550. The bed. Yeah. Not that good of a deal. It's being delivered on Wed. and I am so freaking excited.


DD said...

Now if I'm to believe the porno's out there, you're supposed to let your man do all the shaving for you. However, knowing how my man shaves his own face? No. Way. In. Hell.

Luckily, it'll grow back fast enough.

dee said...

Heheh. Been there myself, and ended up having A become my personal, ahem, trimmer. I'm not a fan of the bare look, never have been, so I had to make sure he didn't go overboard and take it all off. But really, if I didn't let him help out with my 'undercarriage,' it'd have been a jungle...complete with a sign for the OB saying "enter at your own risk."

Vacant Uterus said...

LOL! I am so sorry I read this at work because I couldn't guffaw like I wanted to. I am sorry you are having troubles but I give you so much affirmation for your sense of humor.

On a non-hilarious note, congrats on your bed. Will we get to see pics?

Scoutj said...

Yeah.....I can relate to this. One of the times I was pregnant, T. saw me come out in my underwear from the bathroom and commented on my lovely ear-muffs.

We still laugh about that one.