Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I'm sure it will all be fine...

Things have been a bit hectic here.

Julian turned 9 months old over the weekend, and celebrated it by walking. He's walking everywhere now - it excited bursts of 8-9 steps at a time. He can walk for longer periods if he doesn't realize he's doing it. Otherwise, he's a bit like a cartoon character walking off the edge of the cliff. As long as he doesn't look down, he's good. The minute he realizes he's not attached to someone or something - faceplant.

Last night I ended up working at the office until almost nine, so by the time that I got home he was already asleep. Unfortunately he's still mostly co-sleeping (with my mom actually, as he won't sleep in my bed). He hates his crib with unbridled passion. We're working on transitioning him to it, but it's VERY slow going. And the "crying it out" thing only works when everyone in the household is game and doesn't go in to rescue him from his "baby jail."

Sigh.

I broke the news to work this week about baby #2. Everyone was a bit surprised, but seemingly supportive. I'm only taking the full paid leave of three months this time, and no unpaid leave.

We're planning a trip to Switzerland at the end of March. Flying into Zurich - and then who knows what we're doing from there. Of course, J will be 11 months old by then - so clearly, we are insane. It'll be the first transatlantic flight we've taken in coach too - (waaaaaah, I know. I shouldn't bitch - but it was REALLY nice when Patrick had super fancypants Executive Platinum status with American and we got free upgrades all the time). The cost to upgrade to Business now would be 3x the cost of our tickets, so uh - no thanks.

I'm freaking out at the moment. I had my triple screen and ultrasound at 12 weeks (when I was measuring 13 on the dot) and the risk of trisomy came back at 1 in 10,000. Whew. Good. BUT - the risk of Down Syndrome came in at 1 in 313. An abnormal result in my doctor's office is 1 in 311. When I had Julian (remember, just last year) my risk was 1 in 1,300 or something. Markedly different. I'm only 29, so my risk should be considerably less than it came back as.

Right now, I'm feeling overwhelmed. Other than amniocentesis, I don't know if there are other tests they can do. We really want to have another child - and I may get flogged for this - I will be brutally honest in saying that I cannot personally parent a Down Syndrome baby. I know that some people have found them to bring great delight to their families, and I applaud that. I just know that for our family... that simply isn't possible. Even at 1 in 313, the risk is very low. Rationally, I realize that.

I also have a connection to this baby already, and the thought of even potentially terminating has my heart in shreds and I've been sobbing all afternoon.

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow afternoon. My heart will be lodged firmly in my esophagus until then, I guess.

4 comments:

daysgoby said...

You are in your family. You know, much better than we ever would, what you can and cannot do. I'd send hugs, but somehow I think they get lost over the spacewaves. But I'll be thinking good thoughts about you and your wee one until we find out.

(It will be okay.)

Shinny said...

Hoping that it all works out. I know EXACTLY how you feel on that subject. I had the same thoughts when I was pregnant, granted I was 40 this last time. My tests came back higher then the genetics people like to see but still fairly low. They wanted me to do an amnio but we decided to wait for the 20 week ultrasound to see if there were other markers that would indicate Down's, like shortened leg and arm bones. Everything came back at that ultrasound just fine and obviously at 40 weeks everything eas still fine.
I hope that is the case for you and you know if you need me I am just a hop, skip and a jump away.

Emily said...

First off, it'll be fine. Do what you need to do to put your mind at ease.

My 1st trimester screening came back great, but until lately (week 30) we were still having discussions about DNRs and such if the baby came early. My sis-in-law had her daughter at 25 weeks and she has Cerebral Palsy. She can't walk, speak, hug... anything. I couldn't do it, so I don't blame you one bit.

Nic said...

impressive that J is walking that early!

I know quite a few people who have had elevated risks of Downs (a couple around 1:56), and upon further testing all has been fine. If you need to know now, find a high risk specialist who has a very low mc rate from amnio, and go that route. If you can stand waiting, the 18wk u/s will hopefully be very reassuring...

Hugs!